I love My Job!
I love my job, I love the pay!
I love it more and more each day.

I love my boss, he is the best!
I love his boss and all the rest.
I love my office and its location; I hate to have to go on vacation.

I love my furniture, drab and grey, and piles of paper that grow each day!
I think my job is really swell, there's nothing else I love so well.

I love to work among my peers, I love their leers, and jeers, and sneers.

I love my computer and its software; I hug it often though it won't care.
I love each program and every file. I’d love them more if they worked a while. I’m happy to be here. I am. I am.

I'm the happiest slave of the Firm, I am. I love this work, I love these chores. I love the meetings with deadly bores.

I love my job - I'll say it again - I even love those friendly men.

Those friendly men who've come today, in clean white coats to take me away!!!!!

A middle-aged executive was becoming increasingly
irritated by the constant ribbing he was taking from
the junior employees who couldn't resist making fun of
his baldness.

One morning, a particularly brash trainee had the gall
to run his hand across the older man's gleaming head
while loudly exclaiming: "Feels just like my wife's
ass."

With a look of genuine curiosity, the aging executive
rubbed his hand across his head.

"You're right," he said, "it does..."

Dear Employee:
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we
are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement,
thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
* This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.
* SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.
* SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.
* This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).
Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once,
SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
* If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES
(Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).
* As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
* Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training (SHIT).
* We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive.
* We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area.
* If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see
your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.
And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a 'rush job,' run in and interrupt me every ten minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors is good training.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could cost me a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversation.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate.