My dad says that when we sleep at night, we should have all windows open.
And what's your dad's job? Is he a doctor?
No, he's a thief.

An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin you day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing forty-five years of misery are enough".

"Pop, what are you talking about", the son screams.

"We can't stand each other any longer", the old man said. "Were are sick and tired of each other, and I am sick of talking about this so call your sister in Chicago and tell her". And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "like heck they're not going to divorce," she shouts. "I'II take care of this". She calls Phoenix immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I am calling my brother and we'll both be there tomorrow morning. Until then don't do anything. DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up the phone and turn to his wife. "Okay", he says, "They are coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way!!”

A teacher thought it would be nice to let her class guess some jellybeans flavors. So the next day she brought some jellybeans and the kids got most of the answers. Next, she said," This is going to be a little more difficult," She gave a clue like," it is what your Mom calls your Dad.” A little boy named Tony said I know I know it’s a jackass.

A couple had their three children over to help them celebrate their fiftieth wedding anniversary. One was a successful lawyer, one a big-time doctor, and the daughter a famous actress. “We did not have a chance to get you am Mom a present,” said the two sons. “I was doing a TV commercial and did not have time to get a present either,” said the daughter. After dinner, while having drinks in the living room, the father called all three of them together and said, “You know something? Me and your mother never were married.” “Does this mean that we’re…we’re…. Well, you know what I mean,” said the daughter. The father said, “You’re right. And three of the cheapest ones I’ve ever seen.”