A man walks into a diner with a white cane and dark sunglasses and sits down. The waiter comes over and asks: sir would you like a menu? The man replies no I’m blind so just give me the fork the last customer was using. The man smells the fork and says oh! chicken and fries I will have that. The next day he comes in again and asks to smells the fork and says oh! Pork chops and mashed potatoes I will have that. On the third day, the same guy comes in, so the waiter goes to the kitchen where his wife Mary is cooking and tells her the story and says I want to mess with his mind so rub this fork between your legs. .The man asks to smell the fork, he smells it and to the waiter’s surprise he says oh! “I didn’t know Mary worked here.”

A young man was charged for rape, the judge ask him, How do you plea? He answered " Your honor, I didn't rape her, I attempted to." The judge said " Well you're fined $500.00 because attempt rape is just like rape, please pay the clerk." The accused then walked over to the clerk in the courtroom and took out $500.00 and reached out to the clerk,as she reached out for the money, the accused put the money back in his pocket, the clerk asked, "What was that about?" He replied,"Attempt pay is just like pay."

“I’d like something cheap and nasty for my mother-in-law’s birthday,” said the customer.
The clerk thought for a moment and then said, “I’ve got the very thing, sir.”
“What is that?
“My father-in-law.”

What do you have when you have two balls in your hand?
“A man’s undivided attention!”