Why cucumbers are better than men

1. They always stay hard
2. They don't mind hiding in the fridge when you mother comes over
3. A cucumber doesn't mind if you sleep with other cucumbers
4. You can see how big your cucumber is BEFORE you take it home
5. A cucumber can't get you pregnant
6. A cucumber won't leave you for another woman
7. A cucumber loves spending time with you
8. A cucumber won't stand you up
9. A cucumber won't ditch you for its buddies
10. A cucumber doesn't care what you do with it so long as you don't eat it after having fun with it!

Wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime have some fun with the wrong ones.

How to be politically correct with women
She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.
She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.

A man was observing a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her, "No." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long now."

Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."

When they got to the checkout stand, the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there'd be no gum purchased. The mother said serenely, "Monica, we'll be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home and have a nice nap."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Monica," he began.

The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."