An elderly man visits a doctor for a checkup. "Mr. Smith, you're in great shape," the doctor tells him when the exam is over. "How do you do it?" "Well," says the patient, "I don't drink, I don't smoke and the Good Lord looks out for me: For weeks now, every time I go the bathroom in the middle of the night, he turns on the light for me." Concerned the doctor heads out to the waiting room, approaches Mrs. Smith and tells her what her husband said. "I don't think that's anything to worry about," she says. "And on the bright side, it DOES explain who’s' been peeing in the fridge.

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a Flower Show was in progress. One leaned over and said to the other, "Life is so darned boring; we never have any fun anymore. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid Flower Show!" "You're on!" said the other old lady holding up a $5.00 bill. The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely nude, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the Flower Show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall followed by loud applause and shrills whistling. The naked and smiling old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
"I won 1st Prize as Best Dried Arrangement!"

Two little old ladies are sitting in their rocking chairs on their porch one sunny day when the circus came to town and there’s a big parade. In the parade are clowns and jugglers and fire breathers. There also is a big gorilla in a cage. Well, the gorilla takes one look at one of the elderly ladies and goes crazy and rips the bars containing him wide open, everyone screams and starts running away. The gorilla jumps up on the porch and has his way with one of the elderly woman. It takes 15 men to pull the gorilla off the woman. An ambulance comes shortly after the attack and takes the woman to the hospital. The next day the other old woman goes to visit her friend in the hospital and asks her how she felt, the elderly woman says: How should I feel he don't call....He don't write.....

· You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
· Your back goes out more than you do.
· You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
· You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
· You are proud of your lawn mower.
· Your best friend is dating someone half their age ......and isn't breaking any laws.
· You call Olan Mills before they call you.
· Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
· You sing along with the elevator music.
· You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
· You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
· You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
· You make an appointment to see the dentist.
· You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
· Neighbors borrow your tools.
· People call at 9p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
· You have a dream about prunes.
· You answer questions with, "Because I said so!".
· You send money to PBS.
· The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
· You take a metal detector to the beach.
· You wear black socks with sandals.
· You know what the word "equity" means.
· You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
· Your ears are hairier than your head.
· You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
· You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
· You got cable for the weather channel, ( "Old Folks MTV.")
· You can go bowling without drinking.
· You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize