Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone-anyone and I know them." Tired of his bragging, his boss decides to call his bluff, "Ok Dave, How about Tom Cruise?" "No drama boss, Tom and I are old friends and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and Knock on Tom Cruises door.... Sure enough Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave? What’s happening? Great to see you, come in for a beer!"
Although impressed, his boss is still skeptical.
After they leave Cruises house, he tells Ian that he thinks Dave's knowing Tom Cruise is just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else." Dave says
"President Bush" His boss quickly retorts. "Yup, old buddies" and off they fly to Washington. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is much shaken by now but not totally convinced and expresses this to Dave on their way out. Dave once again implores his boss to name someone else.
"The Pope," His boss replies "Sure" Dave replies, "My folks are from Poland, I’ve known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in the Vatican Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Popes eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And off he goes....
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave appears on the balcony with the Pope, but by the time Dave returns, he finds his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, “I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, and “Who the hell is that on the balcony with Dave”?

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." "That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?" "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show.” "Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw." "And what happened then?" "I kicked her in the face."

The new neighborhood supermarket has an automatic water mister to
Keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more!

A bellboy recently asked a guest, "Can I carry your bag for you sir?" The guest said, "That's alright. She can walk."