Q: What do you get when you cross a cat and a dog?
A: A pussy that comes when you whistle.

BAR PHRASES
No, really, I'm OK to drive.
MEANING: I'm wasted and should have someone bring me home but I am too embarrassed to have anybody see who I am going home with.

A hobo with a cat and an emu calls into a pub after a long dusty walk and asks the bar tender to set up three beers for himself, the cat and the emu and pays for them. They drink the beer and the emu orders three more and pays. The cat doesn't buy a round so the hobo orders three more beers and pays. The cat still doesn't buy. After this goes on for a while the bar tender asks the hobo why the cat wont buy a round. "Well", said the hobo, "down the road a bit I helped an old lady chop some wood for her fire. She turned out to be a fairy and because of my thoughtfulness said she would grant me a wish. I thought for a while and wished for a long legged bird with a tight pussy."

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?"
St. Peter asked.

"Well! I can think of one thing," the man offered.
"Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South
Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone
bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed
them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So,
I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed
biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike
over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the
ground." I yelled, "Now, back off biker boy or you'll
answer to me!"

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago."