Connie was seen going into the woods with a small package and a birdcage. She was gone several days and then finally returned. Her friend Lisa had never seen Connie looking so sad. “I heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days,” Lisa said. “I’m glad you got back okay, but why do you look so sad?”
Connie replied, “Because I just can’t get a man.”
Lisa said, “Well, you sure won’t find one in the middle of the woods.” “Don’t be so silly, Connie said. “I know that. I went into the woods because I needed something there that would get me a man. But I just couldn’t find it.”
“I don’t understand,” Lisa said. “What are you taking about?” I went there to catch a couple of owls,”
Connie replied. “I took some dead mice and a birdcage.” “How on earth will that help you get a man?” asked Lisa. “Well,” said Connie, “I’m told the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters.”

A romantic lady sent a text to her lover, saying if you are sleeping send me your dream, if you are crying send me your tears, if you are smiling send me your happiness, the lovers lover replied "I am in the toilet"!

In a Convent, Sister Angela was one that had a little hearing problem. A couple of sisters who had gone to purchase vegetables had just returned and were talking amongst themselves about the prices – and the premium that they had to pay.
The “pumpkin” which was so big it cost this much.
The “cabbage” it was this round and it cost this much.
The “snake gourd” it was so long cost this much etc, etc and they went on using their hands to gesticulate and specify the shape and sizes of vegetables to each other
Sister Angela – was following the animated discussion very closely – and though she did not hear a thing, she was carefully watching the hand movements of the other sisters. After some time, curiosity got the better of her, she came close, flummoxed - and blurted out :“ WHICH PRIEST ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT”??????????

At a local funeral home families are given the chance to choose the music they would like to enter the service to.

One family asked to enter to Elvis Presley's hit, "Love me Tender."

The day of the funeral arrived and the music was started ready for the family to walk in to the service.

Unfortunately the wrong track number was entered into the CD player, and the family found themselves walking in to, "Return to Sender."