A Little Old Lady is being cross-examined by the DA

D.A.: What is your age?
Woman: I am 86 years old.
D.A.: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?
Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
D.A.: Did you know him?
Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
D.A.: What happened after he sat down?
Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
D.A.: Did you stop him?
Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
D.A.: Why not?
Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner
passed away some 30 years ago.
D.A.: What happened next?
Woman: He began to rub my breasts.
D.A.: Did you stop him then?
Woman: No, I did not stop him.
D.A.: Why not?
Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive
and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
D.A.: What happened next?
Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just laid down and
said to him..."Take me ...young man...Take me!"
D.A.: Did he take you?
Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, "April Fool!"
...And that's when I shot the little bastard.

Golfing with an older man
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."

Three elderly men are sitting on a porch on a Sunday afternoon. They complain about how they can’t go to the bathroom. The first old man says "I wake up every morning at 6 O'clock, try to urinate, wait an hour, and nothing comes out". The second old man says "That’s nothing, I wake up every morning at 7:30 and I try to have a bowel moment. I wait for and hour and nothing comes out". The third man says he can beat them all. He says “Every morning I urinate at 6 o'clock and I have a bowel movement at 7:30". The three men are baffled at this and ask, "What's so bad about that?” The third old man replies, "I don’t wake up till 8:00".

A ninety-year-old man was accused of raping a twenty-year-old.
“So, did you do it?” his lawyer asked.
“Of course not,” the old man replied. “But I was so flattered, I pleaded guilty.”