The man was in front of the Ape cage at the zoo. He covered his eyes and the Ape did the same. He covered his ears - the Ape did the same. He covered his mouth, so did the Ape. He tweaked his nose at the ape and the Ape got mad and threw ape-crap all over the man. The man ran to the zookeeper and complained. The zookeeper asked him what he had done to piss-off the Ape. He told him all the things he did. When he got to the part about 'tweaking his nose' at the Ape, the zoo-keeper said "Well, no wonder! Tweaking your nose means F-YOU in Ape-talk!" So, the next day the man goes back to the zoo to get even with the Ape. He did all the same stuff at the Ape and the Ape copied him, but instead of tweaking his nose at the Ape, the man produced a big butcher knife from his back pocket, unzipped his fly, pulled out a sausage he had put there, whacked the end of the sausage off, and offered the butcher knife through the cage for the Ape to do the same. The Ape looked up at the man in horror, and without hesitation, vehemently tweaked his nose at the man.

One day this safari hunter was sitting at home drinking coffee and reading the newspaper after his big hunt in Africa. He comes across this add about a zookeeper needing help to capture this big gorilla that is terrorizing the city. He says to himself, hmm this should be an easy job so he calls the zookeeper up and offers his assistance. The zookeeper said, “ I'll pay you dearly to catch my gorilla”. The next day he gets a report that the gorilla is seen in the woods so he goes there to find him. He sees the gorilla up in a great big oak tree. He calls the zookeeper and tells him that he has found the gorilla and is going need his help. The keeper arrives and asks: what can I do? The hunter gets out of his truck and brings out this 175lbs pit bull, a net, and a shotgun. The hunter tells the keeper that he is going to climb the tree, wrestle with the gorilla and when the gorilla falls out off the tree his dog is going to run over there, grab the gorilla by his gentles and you throw the net on him and we have him. The keeper replies this sounds great but what’s the shotgun for? The hunter says; that’s in case I fall out of the tree first you shoot the dog!

Q: What power do you have with two little green balls in your hand?
A: Kermit the frog's undivided attention!!

A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked in her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?"

The little girl stayed silent.

Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?"

Again, the little girl was silent.

Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?"

"Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants."