Bill and Doug were having a beer at the neighborhood bar.
"What's the matter?" asked Bill of his buddy. "You look kind of down."
"My wife just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin."
"Why's that?"
"Because it's brief, unexpected and usually a disaster."

How do you know when you are a loser?
When a nymphomaniac says, “Let’s just be friends.”

Two young fellows decided to open a microbrewery in the foothills. After several years of careful work they produced a product with a golden strawlike color and a good strong flavor of hops. They sent it to the chemical lab at the State Department of Food Safety and after waiting impatiently for three weeks the lab analysis came back, stating, "Dear Sir: Our analysis of the sample sent to us indicates that your horse has diabetes."

A man walks into a bar with an alligator. He yells to everyone in the bar, "would anyone like to bet me that I can stick my penis in this alligator’s mouth, close his moth, and then take my penis out without a single scratch on it?" Everyone in the bar roll their eyes in a skeptical manner. The man then replies, "If I lose the bet, I'll buy anyone and their friends free drinks all night." With that remark everyone in the bar accepted his bet believing that this will be an easy way to get free drinks. The man pulls down his pants, sticks his penis in the alligator’s mouth, closes it, and then attempts to open the alligator’s mouth 20 seconds later. The alligator hesitated so he took a beer bottle and smashed it on the alligator’s head. The alligator opens his mouth and there is not a single scratch on the man's penis. Feeling very relieved, the man yells, "Is there any man here brave enough to attempt this?" Immediately another man stands up and replies, "I will as long as you don't hit me in the head with a bottle."