Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.
Child: Mother, where do babies come from?
Mom: Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex.(The daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.
Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy's room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?
Mom: Jewelry, dear.

A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife
came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party
and have a good time. Being the devoted husband, he protested, but she
argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. She told
him there was no need for him to miss the fun. So he took his costume and
away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened
without pain, and as it was still early she decided to go to the party.
Because hubby did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have
some kicks watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not
around. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around
on the dance floor. He was dancing with every nice chick he could, and
copping a feel here and taking a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to
him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and
dry and devoted his time to the new action. She let him go as far as he
wished; naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off
they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking
at midnight, she slipped out, went home, put the costume away and got into
bed, wondering what kind of excuse he would have for his notorious
behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked him
what he had done.
He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when
you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll
tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got to the party I met
Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker
all evening. But I'll tell you...the guy that I loaned my costume to sure
had one hell of a time!"

A man wanted a hundred dollar bill tatooed to his penis. So he goes to a Tattoo Shop and makes the request. The Tattoo designer tells him that it would cost him $1000.00 to do the special bizarre request. The guy thinks for a while and decides that its a fair price. The designer starts the tattoo-ing and in the middle of the job asks the man, "Why are you doing this?" The man replies, "That's personal." With that, the designer continues to do the tattoo. The designer is still
Intrigued by such a bizarre request, so he tells the customer, "I'll waive the $1000.00 if you tell me why you are doing this." The man thinks again and replies, "Okay, that's reasonable." The man continues, "There are three reasons, first I like to play with money, second I like to watch money grow, and third and the most important, if my wife wants to blow a hundred, well, she can do it right at home."

One day in school, teacher asks her students to tell her what part of the body gets to heaven first. Little Janie raises her hand and replies "teacher, I know, I know, the first part of the body to get to heaven first is your mind, because of the understanding of the bible.” teachers says "good Janie anyone else?" Bobby raises his hand and says” the first part to get into heaven is your heart, because of the love for everyone else, and the love of God" teacher says" good Bobby, anyone else?" dirty Ernie raises his hand and replies” teacher its your feet! The teacher, looking very dumbfounded asks Ernie to explain. Ernie says” the other night I got up from bed to go get a drink of milk, when out of mommy and daddies room I heard a commotion, I peeked through the door, daddy was on top of mommy, with mommy's feet stuck straight up in the air, mommy was yelling "oh God I’m coming I’m coming!" and you know what I think? she would’ve probably be gone if daddy wasn’t holding her down!"