A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men at the bar asked him what happened. “I did a horrible thing,” sniffled the drunk. “Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of scotch.” “That is awful,” said the other guy. “And now she’s gone and you want her back, right?” “Right,” said the drunk, still crying.
“You’re sorry you sold her because you realized too late that you love her, right?”
“Oh, no,” said the drunk “I want her back because I’m thirsty again!”

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in an orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then light dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "everyone's fine. I'm just off the liquor."

One day, two friends, Bubba and Earl were driving down the road drinking a couple of buds. The passenger: Bubba said, "Look up ahead Earl, It's a police roadblock! We're going to get busted for drinking these beers!" "Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. We'll just pull over and finish these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat." "
What for?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talking, said Earl. They finished their beers threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff asked,” Have you boys been drinking? "No sir, said Earl, We're on the patch."

This guy goes into a bar, orders up a beer, and notices that the patrons are holding slips of paper with numbers written on them, and periodically numbers are being called over the p.a. system. Curiously, the guy asks the Bartender "What's going on". So the Bartender breaks it down saying "it's simple, you order a drink you get a Number "If we call your number, you get to go in the back and get laid!" The guy says "I don't believe it sounds like bullshit to me" some drunk guy sitting a few stools down, interrupts, "It's not bullshit, My wife's number has been called 3 times in the last 20 minutes!