An old deaf couple was sitting on their couch when the wife wrote "Honey, if you want to have sex, squeeze my left boob once. If you don't want to, squeeze my right boob twice." The husband replied "If you want to have sex, grab my dick once.
If you don't, grab it a 150 times."

Q: Why are married women heavier than single women?
A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.

Sitting at the breakfast table the old man asked his wife "when I die, sell all of my stuff."
"Why should I do that?"
"Cause I don't want some asshole enjoying my stuff."
"What makes you think I am going to marry another asshole?"

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife once again complained, "I have a headache."
Don’t worry her husband said, “I was just powdering myself with aspirin” You can take it orally or as a suppository.”