A young woman was so excited to learn she was pregnant that she had to tell her friends right away. It was about midnight when she called the last one. ‘I can’t believe I have a person inside me!’ she screeched. ‘So do I,’ said the friend. ‘Can I call you back in an hour?’

A man goes into a pharmacy and asks the very attractive young pharmacist to get the medication on his prescription. As she goes up the stairs he notices that she has no underwear on revealing the best looking buttocks imaginable. Unable to control his urges he masturbates right then and there. As the girl returns he is rubbing his semen into the carpet with his foot. Seeing his red face the girl asks him if he saw her naked buttocks. Cringing with shame and embarrassment the man nods his head vigorously. "That's all right, sir." She calmly replies before winking and adding, "Smile please, you're on candid camera!!!"

Life is like a shit sandwich...

The more bread you have, the less shit you will have to eat!

One Sunday morning, the preacher addresses the congregation by telling them he was leaving. He explained that he couldn't afford his house, couldn't afford his car, and couldn’t afford to send his children to proper schools he couldn't afford to do anything. He was just going to have to leave.

A hushed silence fell over the congregation and then one man stood up. He told the preacher that if he would stay he would buy his house and car for him and give them to him. The man sat down and there was a hushed silence until another man stood up. The man said preacher if you stay I will double your salary and then he sat down. Everything was quiet for a minute and then a little old 90 year old lady down on the front row stood up. The little old lady said preacher if you stay I will give you sex. The congregation and the preacher were overwhelmed and stunned. When the preacher finally regained control he said Mrs. Smith what ever prompted you to stand up and say something like that. Mrs. Smith said well preacher I was sitting here talking to my husband about what we could do to get him to stay and he said "SCREW HIM".