Carl is talking to a girl in a New York City bar, he says, “Can I get you a drink?
The girl replies; “Certainly”
Carl asks: “What would you like?”
The girl says, “Champagne.”
Carl says “Why Champagne?”
The girl says, “Because when I drink champagne I imagine I am a goddess on the Nile, draped in a long robe, relaxing peacefully, with servants fanning me and dropping peeled grapes into my mouth.”
Curious Carl asks, “What if I just buy you a draft beer?”
The girl replies, “I’ll cut wet farts all night.”

A bear walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a vodka and.......................Tonic.
The bartender said, "Sure but why the big pause?
the bear said "Oh I use my paws for catching fish with!!!!!

Three men walked into a bar.......don't you think the third one would've ducked?

Did you hear the one about the guy who rushed into the bar and told the bartender, The beers are on me!. "My wife ran away with my best friend." The bartender smiled and said, That's a shame, how come you aren't unhappy?" Hell no, I'm not unhappy," replied the guy, "They saved me a fortune....both of then were pregnant!"