Four nuns are out driving in the church Rambler, headed back to the convent after a night of bingo. It's a rainy night. Regretfully, the car spun out of control, plunged off a cliff, and they all died.
When they arrived at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said, "Nun number one, what did you sin when you were alive?"
"Well, I once saw a man's penis," she replied.
"Good grief. Take some of the holy water, wash out your eyes, and come on in. We'll let you slide this time."
"Nun number two, what did you sin when you were alive?"
"Well, I once touched a man's penis," she replied.
"Oh Lord. Take some of the holy water, wash out your eyes and your hands, and come on in."
Nun number four then skipped in front of nun number three, and said, "Excuse me, I'd like to gargle before she sits in that water!"
What is the difference between Baptists and Methodists?
Baptists won’t wave to each other in the liquor store.
Father Orally answers the phone. “Hello, is this Father Orally?
“It is!” “This is the IRS. Can you help us? May be! “Do you know a Ted O’Malley?
“I do. He is a member of our Church.” “Did he donate $5,000 to the church?
“He will.” Father Orally replied.
One Sunday our priest announced he was passing out miniature crosses made of palm leaves. “Put this cross in the room where your family argues the most,” he advised. “When you look at it, the cross will remind you that God is watching.” As I was leaving church, the woman in front of me walked up to the priest, shook his hand and said, “I’ll take five.”
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