What do you get when you cross LSD with birth control?
A trip without the kids.

A well-known stud with a long list of sexual conquests walks into his neighborhood bar and orders a drink. He looks a little worried, so the bartender asks him if anything is wrong. “I’m scared shitless,” the stud replies. “Some pissed-off husband wrote to me and said he’d kill me if I didn’t stop banging his wife.”
“So stop banging!” the bartender says.
“I can’t.” The womanizer replies, taking a long swill. The jerk didn’t sign his name!”

A woman noticed that her dog could hardly hear, so she took him to the vet. The vet found that the problem was hair in its ears. After cleaning both ears and making sure the dog could hear the vet suggested buying some ‘Nair’ hair remover and rubbing it in the dog’s ears every three months. On the way home she stops at the pharmacy to buy ‘Nair.’ At the register, the pharmacist says, “If you’re going to use this under your arms, don’t use deodorant for a few days.’ The woman says: “I’m not using it under my arms.’ Again the pharmacist says: “If you’re using it on your legs, don’t shave for a couple of days.’ The woman is getting a little disturbed by the warnings and says: ‘I’m not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I’m using it on my Schnauzer.’ The helpful pharmacist says: In that case, ‘Stay off your bicycle for a week.’

This gay man takes off his clothes off for an examination and the doctor sees that he is wearing a nicotine patch at the end of his penis and says, “Hmmm, that’s interesting. Does it work?”
“Sure does. I haven’t had a butt in three weeks!”