Their three children, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their parents' honor.
"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed Son No. 1.
"Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient. You know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."
"Not to worry," said the father. "The important thing is we're all together today."
Son No. 2 arrived. "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from LA between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you."
"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come." Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said,
"There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.
We were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college.
Through the years your mother and I loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and said, "WHAT? You mean we're bastards?"
"Yep," said the father, "and cheap ones too."

Two kids are arguing over whose father the biggest scared-cat is. Tommy says, “My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bead.” Peter replies, “Yeah? Well, that’s nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady next door.”

Grandpa and his 7 year old grandson are gardening when to boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.”
“I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t,” says Gramps. “It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.” The kid runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board, and proceeds to put it right back into the hole. Grandpa hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later, Grandpa comes out and hands the boy another five dollars. “Grandpa, you already paid me,” says the kid. “I know. This is from your Grandma.”

Little Pete was instructed by his mother to avoid any of the popular synonyms for urination and to substitute the verb “whisper.”
That evening, little Pete approached his father, who had not yet been apprised of the new code. “Daddy,” he said. “I want to whisper.”
“All right, son,” answered his father, “do it in my ear.”