A squirrel was tearing up this woman's garden, digging up her carrots and other plants. So she set up a trap, one with apples and the other with nuts.
The next day the woman shows her neighbor what she caught. The neighbor asked "How did you catch him, by the apples?" The woman smiles and says "nope"

A bear walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Nope I cant do that. “The bear says "why not?" Bartender says "cause I don’t serve bears." The bear looks around and sees a woman sitting at the end of the bar. He looks at the bartender and says, "Serve me a beer or I'll go down there and eat that woman." Bartender says "so." The bear walks down and gobbles up the woman then comes back sits down and says, "so how about that beer?" Bartender says, "Nope I cant do that." The bear says "why the hell not?" Bartender says "cause I don’t serve drug addicts." The bear says, "What are you talking about?" Bartender says "what about that bar-bitch-u-ate."

A city fellow purchases a farm complete with livestock and sets out to the business of being a farmer. A kindly neighbor mentions to the man that it's time to take his sow (female pig) to a boar. The man finds out another neighbor has a boar, so he loads the sow into a wheelbarrow and down the road they go. The next morning the man wakes up and asks his wife to look out the window and see if there are and piglets yet, no is her reply. So down the road the man goes with the sow in the wheelbarrow. This goes on a few days, and on the 5th day the man asks" well any piglets yet?" No, his wife replies, “but the sow is in the wheelbarrow"!

There are two flies on a cow’s ass.
Which one is the one on drugs?
The one sniffing the crack.