The owner of a Parrot is fed up with his bird's loud & filthy vocabulary, so he goes to the Pet Vet for consultation.
The vet recommends the owner file the beak down ever so slightly, because over filing will cause the bird to drown when drinking water.
Weeks pass and the Vet runs into the owner at a shopping mall.
Vet: "How's the Parrot doing"?
Owner: "He died".
Vet: " I told you not to over file the beak or the bird would drown".
Owner: "That's not what killed him".
Vet: "How did he die"?
Owner: "After I got him off the vise".

Q. What do you call a six-foot gorilla with a machine gun?
A. SIR!!!!

Two lesbian frogs are having sex when one says to the other, “Hey, they’re right, we do taste like chicken!”

A guy and his pet parrot went cruising on a plane. The parrot would sit on the aisle seat watching the callipygian flight attendant doing her rounds, pushing the cart along the aisle serving refreshments. As she strutted past the parrot’s row, the feathered passenger would place a quick, firm peck on the stewardess’s protruding buttocks. Surprised, embarrassed, and angry, she would swing around prepared to slap the offender but notices the parrot on the arm rest nodding at her, “Pretty Polly like you … Pretty Polly like you …”. Relieved that the culprit was not some perverted moron, she’d break out laughing and so would the onlookers. They’d go, “Oh, how cute ...”! This happened a few times over and the Attendant would go along with this innocent teasing.

“Hmm …” mused the parrot’s owner silently. “She’d not notice if I were to stick her butt. She’d think it’s the cute parrot ...” So the next time around, he distracts the parrot with a slap, then, as the magnificent rump moves forward past their row, he sticks a swift finger into her cleft with his face turned innocently away! But, too late! He’s discovered! and met with a resounding slap. The other passengers join in and, after giving a thorough kicking, everyone decide to throw the parrot and his owner out of the plane in mid flight!

At 20,000 feet up in the air (and going down very quickly!), the parrot, now perched on his master’s shoulder says, “Listen, you dumb shit! If you can’t fly, don’t let your fingers do the walking!”