An elderly couple was sitting on the out porch when the husband turned to his wife and, "Muffin, I feel like making love tonight,” the wife replied, "Ok Ernest, I will let you, but be gentle this time." "But I am always gentle with you, dearest,"
"That’s not true, she replied, "the last time you woke me up TWICE!"

Storming into his lawyer’s office, a Texas oil tycoon demanded that divorce proceeding begin at one against is young wife. “What’s the problem?” “I want to hit that adulteress bitch for breach of contract,” snapped the magnate. “I don’t know if that’ll fly,” replied the lawyer. “I mean, your wife isn’t a piece of property, you do not own her.”
“Damn right,” the tycoon rejoined “but I sure as hell expect exclusive drilling rights!”

A couple is riding in the back of a limo on the way to their honeymoon boat cruise. The husband says, 'Honey, I want to stop and pick up some condoms before we go.' 'Good idea,' she says. 'While you're in there, pick me up some Dramamine.'

The groom gets out, walks into the drugstore and says to the clerk, 'I'd like a box of condoms and a package of Dramamine, please.'

'Yes sir, says the clerk, 'but do you mind if I ask you a question? If it makes you nauseous, why do you do it?'

A man told his wife he would be home before midnight. He stopped at a bar and had a couple of beers; he saw these hot looking woman and spent a few hours together. When the man realized what time it was, he asked the woman for some baby powder. And he rubbed some on his hands and left. When he got home, his wife asked where had been all night. The man said, ” I had a couple of drinks, had sex with a beautiful woman and came home to go to bed. The wife asked to see his hands and said, "Damn it, you were out bowling again."