Three old men, Harry and Larry and Clarry have been boyhood friends and done everything together for 50 years. Then Harry Dies. One year latter, Larry and Clarry hire a clairvoyant to get in touch with Harry. After a lot of crystal ball stuff, a voice comes through the void: "Hello boys."
Larry (or maybe it's Clarry) says "Is that you Harry?"
The voice says, "Yes it's me."
Then Clarry (or, now I come to think of it, Larry) says, "What's it like for you now, old son?"
Harry says, "Oh, it's great. I wake up each morning, have a nice swim, have a fuck, eat some breakfast, then go to sleep. Then I wake up around lunchtime, have another swim, have another fuck, have something to eat, and then go to sleep again. . Then at night, I wake up, have a very quick swim, have a really good fuck, and have some dinner, then go to sleep again.. And the next morning the whole thing happens again - same as the day before."
"Jesus," says Larry (or Clarry), "Heaven sounds wonderful!"
"No, I'm not in heaven," says Harry. "I'm a duck in a public park"

A woman was at the wake of her friend’s husband. When she asked her how he had died, her friend replied: “He had a mental problem and thought he was a dog”! The woman was a little shocked, and asked how could that be fatal. Her friend said; “He was sitting in the middle of the street at about 5 A.M. licking his nuts, and was run over by a garbage truck.”

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.
The bartender gives her the drink, and she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, this one is on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."

The woman says, "Thank you, how sweet of you OK then, Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming up," says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you a drink too." The woman says, "Thank you very much my dear. Bartender, I'll have another Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink this time, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman giggles and replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue!"

A farmer and a pet rooster went everywhere together. One day they went to a movie and as the farmer got close to the ticket window the clerk said, "I'm sorry but you can't take animals into the theater." The man looked sad and said "But this is my pet rooster, Clucky. He goes wherever I go. "Oh, I understand.” but if that is the case "you should not come in either." The farmer sighed and said, "Well this time I will leave him in the truck!” So the farmer went around the corner and stuffed Clucky down his pants. He then went back, got his ticket, went into the theater, and sat down next to two old ladies. About halfway through the movie Clucky started struggling so the farmer unzipped his pants to let him stick his head out. The first old lady saw this and turned to her friend and whispered, "Patsy, you’re not going to believe this but the man next to me has just unzipped his pants and let his thing out." Patsy turned to her friend and said, "Well just ignore him. Besides, at our age, we've seen plenty." "Well normally I would agree with you, but this one eating my popcorn!"