A Hypnotist was hired to entertain the Elderly in a rest home as part of a Entertainment program. When he started his performance The Hypnotist said he would do something different and hypnotize everyone rather than one or two people. He then got out his antique pocket watch and told the Elderly to watch his watch as he moved it backwards and forwards. He repeated watch the Watch, watch the Watch. He dropped the watch, it broke and he said "S**t!" and it took the rest home’s staff a full day to clean up.

An old lady and an old man met in a nursing home. They held hands, danced and really enjoyed each other’s company. Then one day they decided to have some sex. He says after the ten O'clock bed check he would sneak down to her room. That evening in her room she is very nervous and thinks "I'd better tell him about my heart condition, just in case something should happen". So, he arrives and she's getting undressed, and says by the way I have acute angina. He replies "God I hope so! Cause theme’s the ugliest tits I've ever seen.

Two men are walking on the boardwalk. One says to the other, “I’ve got to run. In have to hurry home to make love with my wife.”
The other man looks astounded. “Make love to your wife? You are as old as I am! Nearly ninety-five years old! What do you mean you have to go home and make love to your wife?’ The first man says, “We have a great sex life. We make love three time a day.” “You are kidding!” Says the other man. “How do you do it?” The man whispers to his friend, “Pumpernickel bread. That’s my secret.” And he runs off to meet his wife.
The other man starts to walk home. “Hmmm,” he thinks to himself, “pumpernickel bread. Well, it’s worth a try.” So he goes to a nearby bakery. He goes up the woman at the counter and asks, “Do you have any pumpernickel bread? “Yes,” she says.
“How much do you have?” asks the old man Oh, “we have a few shelves of it,” replied the woman. “Well,” he says, “give me all the pumpernickel bread you have.”
“All of it?” se exclaims. “It’ll get hard!”
“How come,” says the man, “everybody knows about this but me?”

A ninety-year-old woman decides that she’s seen and done everything, and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she comes to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method is to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble is she isn’t certain about exactly where her heart is, so she phones her doctor and asks him. He tells her that her heart is located two inches above her left nipple. So she shoots herself in the left kneecap.