The owner of a pub, was busy pouring for his noontime trade, while trying to keep a swarm of flies away from the buffet table. When, Mike the towns drunk and biggest mooch, wanderer in, Pat turned a deaf ear to his plea for a nip or two on the cuff.
But when Mike offered to kill every one of the flies circling the buffet in exchange for a short one, Pat slid a shot of whiskey across the bar. As soon as he downed it, Mike rolled up his sleeves and headed for the door. “All right, Pat”, he said, “Send them out one at a time.”

Two atoms walk into a bar. One atom turns to the other and says, "I can’t find my electrons!! I think they’ve been stolen" the other says " Are you sure?" and the other atom says, "I'm positive!!"

You suck; said the faggot at the gay bar. No shit said the bartender

A well dress but obviously intoxicated gentleman stumbled up to a policeman at a busy downtown intersection and voiced a thick-tongued complaint. “Somebody stole my car, officer,” he announced groggily. “I had it right here on the tip of my ignition key.” “We’ll go right to the station and report it,” the cop replied, amused at the guy’s condition. “But I think you should zip up your fly up before we leave.” “Oh, my,” exclaimed the drunk, looking at his open barn door. “Somebody stole my girl, too!”