When it was finally her turn to take care of the elderly Father Joe, the novice Joan was taken aside by the mother superior. “I must warn you,” she said, “that although Father Joe is old in body, he is young at heart. It is important that when you give him his bath, you never look below his waist. Other wise, he will become very excited.”
With that, Joan went to look after the aged priest. Shortly after in a big sob, Joan hunted out the mother superior. “Forgive me,” the novice said, “but when I was bathing father Joe, I – I looked down, and as you said, he became aroused.” “And what happened?” “I – I lay with him. He said that I would surely go to heaven if I let him put his key to the gates of St. Peter in my lock.” “Why, that old bastard!” The mother superior fumed. “For years, he has been telling me it’s Gabriel’s trumpet!”

The priest was administering the last rites to a critically ill man. Before anointing the man, the priest asked. “Do you renounce the world, the flesh, and de Devil?’
The man replied: “I think in my condition this is no time to offend anyone”

A pastor was discussing with an elderly church member a relative of hers who had seen the light and joined the church after a lifetime of riotous living.
“Will my converted cousin’s sins be forgiven, Pastor?” she asked.
“Oh, certainly, yes! Remember, the greater the sins, the greater the saint.”
The woman thought silently for a time. Then she said, “Oh, Pastor, I wish I’d known this fifty years ago.”

By the time Ted arrived at the football game, the first quarter was almost over. "Why are you so late?" his friend asked.
"I had to toss a coin to decide between going to church and coming to the game."

"How long could that have taken you?"
"Well, I had to toss it 14 times."