An old Irishman was asked, "At your ripe age, what would you prefer to get.... Parkinson, or Alzheimer? "The Irishman answered: "definitely Parkinson, better to spill half an ounce of whiskey, than to forget where you keep the bottle!"

While waiting in line to pay for my groceries, a young woman behind me loudly stated, "I only had it once and that was on our honeymoon! Never again, it made my throat fizzy and felt real funny in my belly."

After a long pause she added, "No more sparkling wine for me, it's just whiskey from now on!"

A man goes to a bar, and sees a large girl dancing on a table. He walks over to her, and says: "wow - nice legs! " she's flattered, and replies: " you really think so? " the man says: " oh, definitely! Most tables would've collapsed by now.

“What’s that drink you’re mixing?” the stranger asked the bartender in the exotic Caribbean bar. “I call this a rum dandy,” said the bartender. “What’s in it?” asked the stranger. “Sugar, milk, and rum,” said the bartender. “Is it good?” asked the stranger.
“Sure,” said the barkeep. “The sugar gives you pep, the milk gives you energy.” “And the rum?” asked the stranger.
“Ideas about what to do with all that pep and energy” replied the bartender.