The desk sergeant answered the phone, and at once a woman began screaming.
“You’ve got to help me! There’s a giant gray thing in my yard, and it’s pulling apples off the tree with its tail!” “What’s he doing with the apples?” the sergeant asked.
“If I told you,” the woman cried, “you wouldn’t believe me!”

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Jaguar XK-8 in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the Jag. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911. In less than five minutes, a policeman pulled up. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Jag, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again. After the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. I can't believe how materialistic you high rolling' lawyers are, he said. You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else. How can you say such a thing? asked the lawyer. The cop replied, didn’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you. OH MY GOD, screamed the lawyer, My Rolex!!!!

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

Larry Farris of Universal City, Texas was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
Larry opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them." Then he hung up. With in five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Farris' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to Larry: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" Larry said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. Listen, said the shoplifter, I know you don't want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch and we forget about this?

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?