A man walked into his lawyer's office with an apple and said he wanted to patent it. The lawyer looked at him and said it was just an apple and not to be so stupid. But the man explained that this is a special apple and asked the lawyer to take a bite. So the lawyer took a bite and it tasted like a banana. The man told him to turn it round a little bit and have another bite, so the lawyer did and it tasted like an orange. He was amazed! The man told him he could make it taste like anything he wanted as he turned it round, so, the lawyer asks if he can make it taste like a juicy vagina. The man says no problem, hands the apple back to the lawyer and tells him to take a bite. The lawyer does and starts coughing and spluttering and spits the apple out. That tastes like shit he shouts. The man just laughs and tells him: just turn the apple around!

A man is celebrating his daughter’s 18TH birthday. And is pondering
“I'm so glad this is my last damn child support payment.
Month after month, year after year, those ...damn payments!”
So he calls his girl to come over to his house and says,
“Baby, I want you to do me a favor. Take this last check to over to your mom, and tell her this is the last damn check she's going to get from me.” Later I want you to tell me the expression on her face. The girl takes the check home and the following day comes back to her Dad’s house. He is anxious to hear what the bitch had to say and what she looked like, so he asked, " now what did she have to say?" His daughter says, she told me to tell you THAT YOUR AIN'T MY DADDY!

A guy calls 911. “Help, send an ambulance! My wife is in labor and her water broke!
The 911 operator asks, “Is this her first child?”
“No, you moron” yells the guy. “This is her husband!”

A man was looking through the newspaper and saw that he could lose 10 pounds in 2 days. He didn't believe but called anyway. The next day the man's weight loss product was there. It was a beautiful woman wearing nothing other than running shoes and a sign saying, "if you can catch me, you can have me. “So the man chases her for a few hours then gets her. So then he has sex with her. Same thing happens the next day but it took him a little longer.
He calls the company again and asks, "Do you have a longer trial?" The man gives him a 5-day trial. The same woman arrives at the door and the same thing happens as last time except for 5 days this time.
The man called the company once again and asked happily "do you have a longer trial than 5 days?" So the operator says, "yes, we have a 7 day trial but it is harsh." The man says I'll take it. The next day he answers the door waiting for the woman but, it is Richard Simmons wearing nothing, but running shoes and a sign saying "if I catch you I can have you..."