A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have major cosmetic surgery: a face lift, liposuction, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures, since she's got another 30 or 40 years, she might as well make the most of it. She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?" God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. 
Saint Peter addresses this guy: "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" 
The guy replies: "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City." 
St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." 
The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary Church for the last forty-three years." 
St. Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." 
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?" 
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

The young priest was so afraid at his first mass that he could hardly speak. Before his second week at the pulpit, he asked the monsignor, "How can I relax?" The monsignor, a veteran of his work, said, "My son, this Sunday it might help if you put a martini in the water pitcher instead of water. After a few sips, everything should go smoothly." Sunday came and the young priest did as the monsignor suggested. He believed everything went very well. After the sermon, the young priest asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "Just fine, except you should remember the following before addressing the congregation again: Next time, sip the martini rather than gulping it down. There are 10 Commandments, not 12. There are 12 disciples, not 10. We don't refer to the Cross as the 'Big T. We don't refer to our Savior Jesus Christ and his Disciples as 'J.C. and the boys. Finally, we don't refer to the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit as the 'Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.

Subject: Nuts on a Fence

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just
inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts
and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.

Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he
thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to
investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you,
one for me." He just knew what it was.

"Oh my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the
cemetery." He jumped back on his bike and rode off.

Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come
here quick," said the boy. "You won't believe what I heard! Satan and the
Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."

When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by
the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for
me.........."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling' the truth. Let's see if we
can see the Lord himself."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to
see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the
fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me." And one last "One for you,
one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll
be done."

............ They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes
ahead of the boy on the bike!!!