A cagey man wanted to know if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise, and then he would question each one about the other’s behavior. When his wife returned, he asked her about the trip in general, and casually asked her about the behavior on board. His wife commented; there was this woman “Sally T….” “She was a real tramp. She slept with nearly every man on the ship,” A few days later the disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife. His mistress said; you should have been there, there was love every where, specially this woman, “Mrs. Royal, she was a real lady.” “How so?” the man asked.
“Well she came on board with her husband and never left his side.”

Signs that you are too drunk:
You wake up with a traffic cone between your legs.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
You go to donate blood and they ask what proof it is.

Thirty Creative Ways to Have an Extra-Special Fun Time Shopping!

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't realize it.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten-minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him, "I need some tampons."
5. Try on bras over top of your clothes.
6. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms.
7. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible "I smell sex and candy"
8. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we’ve got a Code 3 in house wares," and see what happens.
9. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."
10. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift-wrap.
11. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
12. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
13. Put M&M's on layaway.
14. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
15. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath
16. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
17. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
18. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
19. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
20. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale Battlefield with GI Joes vs. the X-Men.
21. Ask other customers if they have any Gray Poupon.
22. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
23. Switch the men and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.
24. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission:Impossible."
25. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
26. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
27. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me! Pick me!" and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them.
28. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
29. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
30. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

Tony limps into his friend’s bar he has two black eyes a bloody lip and he is on a crutch.
His friend asked; “What the hell happened to you?”
Tony says, “The guy next door did this.”
His friend said, “He must have had some kind of weapon in is hand.”
Tony says, “Yeah, a tire iron.”
“Didn’t you have anything in your hand?” asked his friend.
Tony says, “Yeah, his wife’s left tit. It’s gorgeous, but not much good in a fight.”