A little boy wakes up one night and walks into his parent’s bedroom while they're making love; the mother rises up in surprise and says "Oh honey you go back to bed now." And the little boy says "but I want to sleep with you tonight." The mother says, "No honey not tonight, you know that little brother or little sister you've always wanted?" The little boy say's "Yeah" The mother replies "well your daddy and I are making that for you and it'll be here in about 9 months, so you go back to bed now." The little boys say, "Oh Boy, O.K. I'll go back to bed. So the next day the father pulls up into the driveway and sees the little boy sitting on the front porch just balling his eyes out. The father jumps out of the car and runs over to the little boy and asks, "What in the world is the matter son?" The little boy replies with sniffles and tears streaming down his face "Daddy you know that little brother or sister you and mommy were making for me last night?' The father replies "Yes son" The son screams "Well The Milkman Came and Ate It Up This Morning!!!"

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day, the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, and waiting. Making love, they found themselves in the 69 position. Moments later, her husband felt the sudden urge to ejaculate so he reached over, grabbed the starter pistol and fired it. The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?" The man answered, "Not all that well...when I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

After 30 years delivering mail on the same route, a friendly mailman was going to retire, and all his customers were sad to see him go. On his last day, the family at the first house on one block came out on the porch, gave him an envelope of vacation money and a bottle of Scotch. At the next house the people gave him a box of Havana cigars and wished him well. The lady at the third house met him at the door in a flimsy negligee, and without saying a word, led him upstairs to the bedroom for a half-hour of passionate lovemaking, then downstairs to the kitchen, where she finished preparing a lavish breakfast of ham and eggs, buckwheat pancakes with maple syrup and a big pot of coffee.
As she was refilling his cup, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the saucer.
"This is all overwhelming," he said, "but what's the dollar for?
"Well," she answered, "this morning I told my husband that you were retiring and asked him whether we should do something nice for you. He said, 'Fuck him! Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my own idea."

There was a huge wreck on the freeway early one morning. Three women were killed and went to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter met them there and told each of them to be very careful to not step on a duck. They were everywhere! He told them they would be punished accordingly. Well Lady #1 step on a duck within the first 30 minutes. So St. Peter came walking toward her with the most ugly man she had ever seen in her life and He handcuffed him to her for eternity. Lady #2 was a little more careful and it took her until the next day before she stepped on one, but the same happened to her, she was handcuffed to the ugliest and most repulsive man she had ever seen. Lady #3 was hoping to be so careful not to step on any since she had seen what had happened to the other two. Four weeks later she saw St. Peter walking her way with the most handsome and sexiest man she had ever seen. And they were handcuffed together for eternity, She looked at him and smiled " well I don't know what I have done to deserve such luck" He said to her I don't know about you but I stepped on 2 ducks.