A couple had been married for a few years when the husband started abusing his wife. The wife was nervous and felt vulnerable whenever her husband was around, so she decided to buy herself a guard dog to protect her from her husband. When she arrived at the pet store she said, "hello, my husband and I are having a rough time in our marriage and I would like a guard dog to protect me."
The clerk said, "I think I know just what you need,” this is a Chomp-Bird; he is better than a dog. The clerk indicated a gray parrot over his shoulder. “What does it do?" Asked the woman "Let me show you," said the clerk opening the cage. "Chomp-Bird, my desk." There was a flutter of wings, the sound of chainsaws and then the desk was nothing but a pile of saw dust. "Can I try?" asked the woman.
"Sure." said the clerk, "just remember to speak clearly.
"Chomp-Bird, that chair,” said the woman pointing. There was a flutter of wings, the sound of chainsaws and then the chair was nothing but a pile of saw dust.
"I'll take it," said the woman. She took the Chomp-Bird home and when her husband came home later that evening, the wife showed him the Chomp-Bird.
"Now don't you start abusing me again or I'll set my Chomp-Bird on you." said the wife.
"Chomp-Bird?" The husband replied. "My ass!"

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts I the mirror. He asks, “What are you doing?”
She replies, “I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a twenty-five year old.” The husband retorts, “Well, what did he say about your fifty-year old ars?” She replies, “Frankly, dear, your name never came up.”

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.