Q. What did the egg say before he went into boiling water
A. Don’t expect me to get hard that fast I just got laid.

Peter put his son to bed and his son started to pray.
Son: Good night mummy, Good night Daddy, Good night Nanny, Goodbye Granddad.
The next day his granddad dropped dead.
Next night.
Son: Good night Mummy, Good Night Daddy, Goodbye Nanny.
The next day his Nanny dropped dead.
The Next Night.
Son: Good Night Mummy, Goodbye Daddy.
Peter: Oh F***
The next day he wouldn't touch anything, not his computer just in case he got electrocuted, he wouldn't eat his lunch. He wouldn't even touch his pencil. He walked 5 miles to get home and said to his wife.
Peter: Oh honey! I've had a bad day.
Wife: You've had a bad day, the mailman dropped dead!

The man enters a drugstore:
- Give me a pack of condoms.
- What size?
- I do not know...
- Well, take this board with holes; go to the toilet and measure.
In 10 minutes the man comes back:
- I have changed my mind I don't need the condoms. How much is this board?

Q: What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?
A: You better hang on to your nuts cuz this ain't no ordinary blowjob.