“That was the most boring party I’ve ever been to,” complained the glamorous young fashion editor to her roommate. “God was it dull.” “But you stayed quite a while, didn’t you?” asked her roommate. “Yes – but only because I could not find my clothes.

A man finds his friend at the bar, depressed and nursing a martini. What’s the matter?” he asks.
“Well” the man begins, taking a sip, in April, my mother passed away and left me $25,000. In May my dad passed away and left me $30,000.” “Man, that’s awful,” the second man consoles his friend. “It gets worse,” the sad man, continues, in June, my great-uncle passed away and left me $70,000. The man took another sip of his drink and said; “so, here it is, the middle of July and no one else in my family has died yet.”

The announcement of the professor’s new book on astrophysics and his wife’s new baby appeared almost simultaneously in the newspaper. Upon being congratulated on “this proud event in the family,” the professor naturally thought of the achievement that had cost him the greater effort.
“Thank you,” he replied modestly, “but I couldn’t have done it without the help of two graduate students.”

Two guys are in a locker room after their racquetball match when one guy notices the other has a cork in his ass. “If you don’t mind me saying,” said the second, “the cork looks terribly uncomfortable. Why don’t you take it out?” “I can’t,” lamented the first man. “It’s permanent.” “I don’t understand,” said the other. Well, says the first guy, “I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge man in a turban came oozing out. He said, “I am Hasan the Genie. I can grant you one wish. And I said, ‘No shit.’”