One day this woman who hated wearing underwear decided to go shopping for a new pair of shoes, and since she was wearing a skirt, the salesman was enjoying and excellent view. After the third pair of shoes, the guy couldn’t stand it anymore. “Lady,” he said, “that’s some beautiful sight. I could eat that pussy full of ice cream.” Disgusted the woman ran out of the store and went home. When her husband got home she told him about the incident and asked him to go beat the shit out of the salesman. And when he flatly refused, she wanted to know why. “Three reasons,” said her husband. “Number one: you shouldn’t have been out in a skirt with no underpants. Number two: you have too many shoes to last you for years. And number three: any son of a bitch who can eat that much ice cream I don’t want to mess with in the first place.”

The reception had ended and the newlyweds had just sneaked off to the honeymoon resort. After one more champagne toast for happiness, the groom retired to the bedroom. But the bride pulled a chair up to the balcony doors and sat there, gazing at the stars. “Aren’t you coming to bed?” the groom asked.
“No,” the bride announced. “My mother told me this was going to be the most beautiful night of my life, and I don’t want to miss a single minute of it.”

Bob and his wife take separate vacations for the first time. When they get back home, Bob confesses, “Dear, I almost did something awful. One night at the hotel I dance with a nice looking woman. Then we had some drinks, and I wound up in her room. She pulled down the covers, we took off our clothes, and I actually crawled on top of her. But before anything happened, I thought of you, hopped off her, and ran to my room.
What do you have to say about that? His wife says, “You are lucky. You were on top.”

The morning after Sue asks Jeff, “Was I any good?”
Jeff says, “Were you any good? I haven’t been this sore since I was circumcised.”