A man walked into a church, looking for a place to seat. Noticing an empty seat, he asked the woman sitting besides it, “Is the seat next to you saved?” “No,” she replied, “but I’m praying for it.”

A preacher goes into a bar and says, “Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up.”
Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says, “My son, don’t you want to go to heaven when you die?”
“When I die?” Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now.”

Three pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, “You know, since summer started I’ve been having trouble with all these bats in my loft and attic at church. I’ve tried everything - noise, spray, traps, cats – nothing seems to scare then away.
Another said, “Yeah, me too. I’ve got hundreds living in my belfry an in the attic. I’ve even had the place fumigated, and they still won’t go away.”
The third said, “Well, I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church. Haven’t seen one back since!”

Contrary to popular belief, it wasn’t the apple on the tree that got us banished from Paradise. It was the pair on the ground.