This guy is in hell and Satan asked how it was going?
The man replied, "not so good. I'm in hell."
Satan said, "Well do you like to smoke?"
"Yeah, I use to smoke all the time when I was alive."
"Well that’s all we do on Monday, just sit around and smoke all day. You don't have to worry about dying because you are already dead!"
"So do you like to drink? “Satan asked.
"Yeah, I did that every so often."
"Well that’s all we do on Tuesday is drink all day. You want some Jake, Vodka, anything you want we got."
"So do you like drugs?"
"Well I did some drugs in my time."
"Well that’s all we do on Wednesday is do drugs all day. You feel like smoking a bowl anything you want we can get you."
"So do you like to gamble?"
"Yeah my wife use to yell at me for it all the time."
"Well that’s all we do on Thursday is gamble any game you want we have!"
"So are you gay?"
"Well no!"
"Ooooh, you're going to hate Fridays!"

There are 2 guys in a bathroom. They enter at different times. When guy A comes out to wash his hands, he never sees guy B enter, only knows he is still in the stall. As A is washing his hands, he hears guy B say, "Okay Johnny, release the flow, Johnny. Aim for the toilet, Johnny. Avoid the floor or flush handle, Johnny." Guy A stops washing his hands to listen to this father potty training his son. After a few more seconds of instructions Guy B comes out and starts to wash his hands. Guy A asks, "Where's the kid?" Guy B replies, "What kid?"

A man was traveling to a far away town. On his way he saw a nun that seemed stranded and decided to give her a lift. He stopped, offered the nun a lift and the nun entered his car.
On the way the man started feeling horny and started fondling the nun on the lap. The nun quietly said, “Mathew 7 vs. 7 and the man took his hand away. This repeated three other times then the man gave up hope.
When the man got home he went and checked what the bible said in Mathew 7:7 and behold it read: “ask and it shall be given unto thee.”

A science teacher asks a student, "Mike if you could have any element of the element table what would it be." Mike said gold, because gold is worth a lot and I could have a Ferrari in my drive way every day. The teacher asked another student "Johnny what element would you choose" Johnny said platinum because platinum is more expensive than gold and I could have a Viper in my drive way every day. The teacher asked another student "George what element would you pick" George said silicone. “Silicone?” the amazed teacher asked. George said "Because my mom got some silicone and now she has a ferrari and a viper in her drive way