Dear Abby:
Q: My husband-to-be still pines for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will not be faithful.
A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal, and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess to other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal, and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with my sister and I.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, cook him a nice meal, and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice expensive present and cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time. To help with the family budget you may wish to video tape yourself while doing this, and to sell it at car-boot sales. To ease your selfish guilt, buy your man a nice expensive present, and cook him a delicious meal.
Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love - we have no time to talk.
A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his lovemaking is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy him a nice expensive present and cook him a nice meal.
Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.
A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he loves you. Return this love by buying him a nice expensive present, and cooking him a nice meal.
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.
Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.

At the Vatican three Nuns die and go to heaven, where St. Peter meets them at the Pearly Gates. He says, "Ladies you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you would like to be." The first Nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren," and "poof" she's gone. The second Nun says, "I want to be Madonna," and "poof" she's gone. The third Nun say's, "I want to be Sara Pipalini." St. Peter looks perplexed. Who? He says. "Sarah Pipalini," replies the Nun. St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name doesn't ring a bell." The Nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says....
"No sister, this say's 'Sahara Pipeline' laid by 1,900 men in 6 months.

A man was walking through a park one day when he stumbles across a ladder leading up into the clouds. Curious, he climbs the ladder and finds himself on a cloud with a fat woman.
"Screw me or keep climbing the ladder to success" she said.
Not really interested in the fat woman the man kept on climbing till he reached the second cloud. On this cloud was an average looking woman.
"Screw me or climb the ladder to success"
Interested, the man decided to climb even higher to a cloud where he found a sexy lady lying on a cloud.
"Screw me or climb the ladder to success" she said.
Wondering how much better this could get the man climbed even higher until he reached the next cloud to find, to his surprise, a large fat man.
"'ello, 'ello, I'm Cess"

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks. "How will I recognize him?" "That's easy. He's a midget with a speech impediment". So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. "A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly. "Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?" So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over. "Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?" So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears. "Nith earzth, can I see her mouf?" The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nice mouf, can I see her twat?" Mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?