A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a
young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the
window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at
his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his notebook and connected it to a
cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the Internet, where he called
up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a
database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas.
He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response.

Finally, he prints out a 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized
printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."
"That is correct; take one of the sheep," said the shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his
car. Then the shepherd says: “If I can tell you exactly what your business is,
will you give me back my sheep?"
"OK, why not," answered the young man.
"Clearly, you are a consultant," said the shepherd.
"That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required," answers the shepherd.
"You turned up here although nobody called you.You want to get paid for
an answer I already knew, to a question I never
asked, and you don't know crap about my business. Now give me back my dog."

Two farmers walking through a field; one stoop down and dips his finger in some cow dung and rubs it across his lips. The second farmer asks him why he did such a disgusting thing. The first one replies, ‘I have chapped lips!'. The second one asks him, ‘does it make them better?' He replies,' No! But it stops you from licking them!'

A man is driving down a country road when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

Q: What is the married mans perfect day?
A: He wakes up and sees his girlfriend on the cover of Playboy. His son is on the cereal box, and his wife is on a milk carton.