Three men were on the roof of a tall building. While looking over the edge, one man said to the others, "hey, lets measure our penises." the others agree so, *zip* the first guy whips his out and it hangs halfway down the side of the building. The second guy says, "that’s nothing", *zip* he whips his out and his hangs all the way down to the sidewalk below and smacks someone upside the face! The third man just stands there waiting for his turn. "Its your turn" said one of them. Reluctant he says,
"I'll only show you if you swear you wont laugh at it." They agree so *zip* he whips his out, and it goes all the way down the side of the building, across the street, and halfway up the side of the building across the street. The two men take one look and bust up laughing. The third man, very upset, says, "You promised you would not laugh at it!" To this the two men reply, "oh, were not laughing at that, were laughing at the steam roller driving down the street!"

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress.
Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and merged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, did you see anything that you liked under there? Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did.
She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested.
She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 PM sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed
their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?" With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?" In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."
With a satisfied look on his face, Bill surprised his wife by saying Good I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!

A man walks into the pharmacy and asks for some sexlax. The pharmacist replies,
“You mean Ex-lax.”
The man says, “No, I mean Sexlax – I don’t have any trouble going!”

Q: What's the difference between a blimp and 300 blowjobs?
A: One's a Goodyear, and one's a great year.